Social Relationships – Elite Tips

Table of Contents

  • Friends & Self
  • Charisma & Attraction
  • Romance & Women
  • Narcissism & Psychopathy
  • Family
  • Dishonesty Detection / Reading People

Friends & Self

  • People remember not what you said, but how you made them feel.
  • “Overeager enthusiasm and uncoordinated energy” – Tucker Max
  • (Winning over a cop, friendship seduction) “I just asked him questions about what he seemed to want to talk about, reinforced his opinions on those issues, avoided any conflict, and always acted interested in what he said, without being overly obsequious about it.” – Tucker Max
  • People treat you the way you train them to treat you. Change your communication to change your relationship.
  • How To Speak Effectively: HAIL
    • 1.Honesty: be clear and straight
    • 2.Authenticity: be yourself
    • 3.Integrity: be your word (DWYSYWD)
    • 4.Love: wish them well, good intentions
  • Seek ESS – Evolutionarily Stable Strategy. Example: Cow eats the grass, but the grass is designed to utilize the cow’s saliva for propagation. Seek the balance in life and be neither too aggressive nor too complacent in attempting to get your way.
  • Determining one’s commitment (to a goal, job, relationship, etc., this is beyond a question of willpower)
    • 1.Treasures: what you like / get out of it
    • 2.Troubles: what you don’t like
    • 3.Contribution: how much you have already invested (money, emotionally, etc.)
    • 4.Perceived Options: how many other better options you think you have or could have
  • Be quick to acknowledge when you were wrong or messed up. People are finely tuned to justice so they need to hear that when they think you were wrong.
  • Don’t say “ahah” or “mhm” when listening since unconsciously people will think you are less intelligent. Just stay silent and look at them.
  • The small talk is the big talk. Build rapport naturally. Be human.
  • We are all resistant to change and change ideas access our prefrontal cortex which gets overloaded and the overwhelm causes anger towards the person trying to help you.  Baby steps.
  • You make people boring or interesting. If you are interested, they are interesting.
  • Speak impeccably by only adding positive energy by not bringing yourself or anyone else down.
  • Playing music stimulates the part of your brain that processes emotion so playing a musical instrument may improve your EQ.
  • Building trust and rapport: validation of ones beliefs and decisions and aspirations. When people talk about themselves and their goals, etc. dopamine is released in their brain. So when you embrace their feelings and perspectives, rather than challenge or judge them, rapport and trust is built.

Charisma and Attraction

  • Deepen Voice
    • 1.Breath from diaphram
    • 2.Strengthen neck muscles at all angles of neck
    • 3.Tilt head back to stretch vocal cords while humming or saying Ding-dong
    • 4.Ground pound while holding mouth open to relax throat muscles
    • 5.Roll out stomach and Psoas muscle
    • 6.Note: We associate deep voices with power (studies have shown presidents with deeper voices get elected).
  • Change the tone (up, down, emphasize) as you speak to appear more interesting and invoke more interest from people. 
  • Impression Management: Frequency trumps duration when it comes to attracting people. Have multiple encounters with them. This applies to business networking and romance.
  • The one thing people want more than love is to feel accepted. Make them feel accepted to get all from them, including their closest kept information.
  • Presence, Power, Warmth.
  • Expressiveness: variability in the tone/speed/etc. in which you speak, tailoring it to your audience after reading the audience.
  • Pausing within sentences signifies the importance of what you are saying, or so you believe.
  • Note: reading rich literary fiction has been shown to increase one’s empathy and emotional intelligence (and by my hypothesis, watching rich, relationship dynamic heavy shows!). Researchers David Comer Kidd and Emanuele Castano have shown that reading fiction helps you to develop a Theory of Mind for other people.
  • Mystery / Personality Paradoxes
    • Strength (confidence, posture, etc.) and warmth (smiling, vulnerability, etc.) are the two most effective trait couples for charisma 
  • Presence: Being Present and Engaged
  • Make people feel special, such as by answering the phone in a even keel, then ramp up the excitement immediately after hearing them.
  • Tango, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and yoga are great ways to teach you power by taking up space.
  • Charisma killers: anxiety, aloofness. Good trick to remove anxiety is to visualize a greater force (God) lifting the weight off your shoulders and taking it on itself. By the time cognitive disbelief kicks in, you have already received the emotional benefit.

Romance / Women

Be assertive with women; don’t ask, tell.

Personality-revealing game: ask someone (most likely romantic prospect/partner) to close their eyes and visualize a big empty desert and describe in detail and it’s location in relation to the other items:

Relationships

  • 1.3 DAY TASK: DAY 1 Spend ten minutes writing about your deepest feelings about your current romantic relationship. Feel free to explore your emotions and thoughts. DAY 2 Think about someone that you know who is in a relationship that is in some way inferior to your own. Write three important reasons why your relationship is better than theirs. DAY 3 Write one important positive quality that your partner has, and explain why this quality means so much to you. Now write something that you consider to be a fault with your partner (perhaps something about his or her personality, habits, or behavior), and then list one way in which this fault could be considered redeeming or endearing.
  • 2.OBJECTS OF REMINDERS: Surrounding yourself with objects that remind you of your partner is good for your relationship. It could be something that you wear, such as a ring, pendant, or necklace. Or perhaps keep a gift from your partner on display in the home or office. Or maybe place a photograph of the two of you in a prominent location, or in a wallet or purse. Either way, remember that these objects are more than mere tokens of love; they also serve an important psychological function. Not only do they usually evoke happy memories and positive thoughts, but they also activate a deep-seated evolutionary mechanism that helps make temptation far less tempting.
  • 2.NOVELITY: Aron’s work suggests that long-term couples will feel more attracted to each other when they regularly engage in novel and exciting joint activities that involve working together to achieve a goal. This finding is supported by the results of several surveys showing that long-term couples who are happy in their relationships are more likely to take part in leisure activities that involve both partners and are relatively unpredictable, exciting, and active rather than passive. So regardless of whether it is playing a sport, amateur dramatics, rock climbing, visiting new places, learning a new dance, or traveling to novel vacation destinations, couples who face life’s foam obstacles together stick together.
  • 3.ADRENALINE/EXCITEMENT: To help promote the chances of a successful date, choose an activity that is likely to get the heart racing. Avoid slow-moving classical music concerts, countryside walks, and wind chimes. Instead, look toward suspense-filled films, theme parks, and cycle rides. The theory is that your date will attribute a racing heart to you rather than to the activity, and so convince themselves that you have that special something.
  • 4.COURAGE: It seems that when it comes to love, women value courage and a willingness to take risks over kindness and altruism. So instead of men making a special effort to woo women by describing their tireless work for charity, they should perhaps consider mentioning their love of skydiving, the importance of standing up for what you think is right, and following your heart no matter where it leads.
  • 5.GET THEM TO OPEN UP: think of lines that get the other person to talk about themselves in a creative, fun, and unusual way.
  • 6.MIMIC (within reason) the way they sit, how they use their hands, their speech patterns, their facial expressions.
  • 7.TOUCH: The results from both experiments were impressive. In the nightclub, women accepted the offer of a dance 43 percent of the time when not being touched on the arm and 65 percent after even the briefest of touches. In the street, the research team obtained telephone numbers from 10 percent of women with no physical contact and almost 20 percent when touching. In both cases a brief touch dramatically increased success.
  • 8.KISS EARS.
  • 9.To initiate touch: tell you her can read palms and take her hand then make up some flattering bullshit.
  • 10.Don’t change her mind, change her mood; to get your way, avoid logical argument.
  • 11.On the first date, ask her what her ideal relationship looks like. This will reveal your compatibility with her in large part.
  • 13. John Gray’s Advice
    • 1.7 days without sex for doubled testosterone and pheromones
    • 2.Give women oxytocin, done via:
      • 1.Giving her orgasm
      • 2.Doing what you say you will do which builds trust too ( gender-specific sales: follow through when you say you will with women)
    • 3.Little things, which go a long way (selective compliments, acts of kindness/generosity, etc.).
    • 4.Contain your negative emotions, even when she is asking for you to divulge. You have to be the emotional rock for her, so that she doesn’t become the mother and take care of you.
    • 5.Validate her feelings (instead of solving her problems, initially): when you recognize her being sad or mad (from the face micro expressions), two great questions are:
      • 1.“Do you want to talk through what happened”
      • 2.“How can I help?”
  • 15.A level of mystery, unpredictability, spontaneity, and independence makes you most attractive and charismatic (in all forms if relationships not just romance).
  • 16.Living with her before you marry her is statistically a bad idea (higher rate of divorce). This is because living with her increases your “contribution” which increases your level of commitment, irrespective of whether she is the right person for you.
  • 17.Do random nice or romantic things for your partner. We grow accustomed / numb / bored of what we habitually receive, so doing something randomly / unexpected for her will increase her perceived “treasure” from you, and thereby level of commitment.
  • 18.Wear nice shoes (leather) and dress well. Shoes most important.
  • 19.Mother’s influence of who she is: “The one thing I can tell you is that once you meet the girl you think you want to be with, get to know her mother and see how you like her as a person as well; there is more truth there than I can explain but trust me on that one.” – Pedro Rodriguez
  • 20.Eye contact: look at the bridge of her nose between her eyes instead of looking at one eye and then the other. The latter makes you appear as if you are looking for a reaction, but you want to be reacted to and it’s more intimate the other way. Even more intense / intimate is to stare into her right eye.
  • 21.The only thing better than confidence is BOLDNESS, which is the boldness to be honest and transparent to who you are and what you want. You are not afraid to be vulnerable. You claim the woman and what you want.
  • 22.Deliver penetrating insight
    • 1.“You have had many boyfriends, but I bet you have never felt truly seen or heard.”
  • 23.Compliment her inner beauty (too many guys comment on their physical appearance)
  • 24.Best first question for date: your last embarrassing moment? Look to see if they get embarrassed (averted eyes, pressed lips, blushing). Embarrassment indicates they care what others think.
  • 25.Women find 12% body fat to be most attractive for men.

Narcissism & Psychopathy

  • Sam Vaknin is the foremost expert on the subject
  • Causes: Abuse
    • All forms are valid and can contribute, physical, sexual, psychological, etc.
  • Excessive praise and demands: form of abuse as well, such as parents expecting/demanding their kid to reach a certain level of success. It sends the message that the kid is the tool and the parent is the owner; people are tools to enable our own self needs and interests.
  • Signs and Traits
    • Control freaks: They seek ownership over those close to them. They are paranoid and directly or indirectly demand subservience and adulation, aka narcissistic supply.
    • Calculated imitators: They are perfect imitations of normal people and calculate how to act to manipulate people. The very act of them showing emotion or self-humor is calculated to achieve an end with someone. As calculated optimizing machines, they are often very successful in the most influential arenas of society: media, entertainment, political office, corporate executives, etc.
  • Cluster of negative traits: One or two selfish or calculated acts does not make someone a narcissist or psychopath, but rather the full range of characteristics and manipulative actions.
  • Rage exposure under pressure / struggle: They will often show their their true colors when push comes to shove, where they will often exude some form of rage out of frustration for not receiving what they want.

Family

  • Raising Children
    • Praise them for effort not for being smart. Variable trait over fixed so when they fail, they feel they have recourse.
  • “It turns out that when I graduated from high school, I had already used up 93% of my in-person parent time. I’m now enjoying the last 5% of that time. We’re in the tail end.”

Dishonesty Detection / Reading People

  • PERSONALITY OF PET: For years, owners have insisted that their pets have a unique personality—not only does my research suggest they might be right, but it also reveals that people’s pets are a reflection of themselves. So if you meet someone who has a dog and you want to gain genuine insight into their personality within seconds, ask them to describe the personality of their canine pal.
  • Face micro expressions: are hardwired into us (study showed blind babies have the same face mircro expressions, proving it is not learned or a cultural idiosyncrasy, and thus very reliable of someone’s true emotional state.
  • Inconsistencies in their story / telling of the chain of events.
  • Inconsistencies in behavior.
    • Acting strong or aggressive when you are weak. Vice versa.
    • Shaking or tapping of extremities indicates discomfort or lying.
    • Half smirk indicates you are hiding something after you call them out and expose them. Ex. “You have the flush, don’t you?”
    • Pursed lips when stressed is very common.
    • If eyes move to their left, they are recalling facts. If they move right, they most likely are making things up or embellishing details.
    • Formal language and distancing or disassociating yourself from the object. Instead of claiming ownership, by using words like mine, ours, etc. you use words like that, this, etc.
      • Ex. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”
    • Looking you in the eyes too much to overcompensate the notion of not looking you in the eyes indicates deception.
    • .A real smile is in someone’s eyes / crows feet, not just consciously controlling ones cheeks.
    • Contempt: the facial expression is one corner of you lip raised. It is the only asymmetrical facial expression.
    • Change in vocal chord.
  • Have the suspected liar to tell the events in reverse chronological order which makes it very challenging for them. They may give too little or too much detail as they squirm to give a trustworthy impression. However, don’t be too aggressive. Massage them into telling the truth.
  • Try to change his/her mind of your expectations/desires. They are lying because they think you will think something is bad or good, so they may be more willing to tell the truth if he/she thinks you will judge them differently than they once thought.
  • IN 59 SECONDS Body Language For successful lie detection, jettison the behavioral myths surrounding the Anxiety Hypothesis and look for signs more commonly associated with having to think hard. Forget the idea that liars have sweaty palms, fidget, and avoid eye contact. Instead, look for a person suddenly becoming more static and cutting down on their gestures. Also, learn to listen. Be on guard for a sudden decrease in detail, an increase in pauses and hesitations, and an avoidance of the words “me,” “mine,” and “I” but an increase in “her” and “him.” If someone suddenly becomes very evasive, press for a straight answer. To spot possible shifts, try to establish what researchers have referred to as an “honest baseline.” Before asking questions that are likely to elicit deceptive answers, start with those that are far more likely to make the person respond in an honest way. During these initial answers, develop an understanding of how they behave when they are telling the truth by looking at their body language and listening to the words they say. Then, during the answers to the trickier questions, watch for the behavioral shifts outlined above. Also, remember that even if you do see these signals, they are not an absolute guarantee of a lie. Unlike taxes and death, nothing is that certain when it comes to lying. Instead, such clues are simply an indication that all is perhaps not as it should be—a good reason to dig deeper.
  • People will often cheat by a little bit (in a simple game). They will cheat less when reminded of morality, will cheat more when they see an in group member cheat,  will cheat less when they see an out group member cheat, and will cheat more when the distance from the cheating is increased (example issue faulty securities rather than just steal peoples money directly).

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